I have recently focused my Life Coaching practice on Divorce Recovery for Women.  This is an area that I know very well as I was divorced last year after a three year separation.  It is always easier to look at divorce in hindsight when the pain and fear of the initial stages of divorce have passed.  The lessons learned by using your divorce as a catalyst for change can create new possibilities for creating a new life but first you must get through it.

I can tell you that your fear can sabotage your ability to both handle your divorce and heal yourself.  When we listen to that voice in our head that says," How can I go on?  How will I manage?  Will this ever end?  I am afraid of the future?  I am afraid that I will lose my children" you begin to believe it and it runs your life.  Fear is a natural response to the grief associated with divorce but we must learn to not succumb to it.

Look at yourself.  What do you know to be true about yourself in terms of your strength, your resources and all the positive traits that you have exhibited in your life? Look back at your life and recount all the things that you have accomplished, the things that you overcome and the things that people admire about you. What are all the things that you have done right in your life?  Have you weathered other storms in your life and come out okay?  What have you accomplished in your life?

The mind chatter that accompanies your divorce is just that: mind chatter. It is not you.  It is fear and doubt that spring up whenever we are challenged by life's circumstances. a divorce is a major loss, a death of a way of life.  As such, it involves highly specific stages of grieving that include, denial, pain, anger, bargaining,  depression and finally acceptance.  Know that you will go through these stages and knowing that you will come out at the other end in a state of  acceptance with a renewed sense of self and life.  It is part of recovering from a divorce.  Don't beat yourself up when you are experiencing these feelings.

But don't let fear make you into someone you are not.  Acknowledge that you are afraid but know that an emotion like fear is just that: an emotion. It is not who you are at your core.  Fear can used to your benefit.  Recognizing fear as a clue that you are facing a new landscape can prepare you fort the work that needs to be done.  Fear and doubt arise when we encounter an unfamiliar and completely new landscape.  They clue us into the fact that we find the unfamiliar scary.  Remember other times in your life when you were initially afraid of the unknown?

Acknowledge your fear  as a sign that you are going to  be changing.  Call upon all of your strengths and talents that you have always demonstrated in your life. Remind yourself of your power and your greatness. Connect with the person that has triumphed over adversity in the past.  Remember who you are at your core.  You will get through this just as yu have gotten through other bad times.

The kids and I are being driven towards the Arenal Volcano in Costa Rica by our guide, Constantino, who is a cherubic, sweet-natured native of Greek ancestry.  Of the many wonders we have experienced in this magnificent country, Constantino just might be my favorite.  His deep respect and love of nature comes across in his every word and glance.  During the four days that we will spend together, he is continually pointing out and teaching us about the abundant nature and its wonders in his country. 

This morning, as we drive towards the Volcano, we are on our way to do a canopy tour of the rainforest via zip lines that place us over 600 feet above the ground!  Constantino softly  implores us to "see the forest from an entirely different perspective", that of the monkeys and other creatures who live in the canopy above the dense forest.  He explains to us that being on top of the rainforest is entirely different from walking through it and there are many lessons to be gleaned from the experience.

His comments strike me profoundly as in my work as a Life Coach, we are always looking at our perspectives on life and how they can radically alter our life experience.  Changing the way we look at things offers not only a different viewpoint but a powerful tool for creating change in our lives.  So I look at the rainforest from the monkey's perspective.  The view from the top offers me not only grand vistas of the dense trees protecting the ecosystem below, but also opens me up to new and different species of life that do not exist on the forest's floor. It is truly a very different world from up here.

 I can look at the howler monkeys  at the same eye level versus craning my neck to see them... as well as the  the multitude of birds that reside here.  Like the monkeys and birds, I experience the thrill of flying through the canopy on the zip lines that take me from one platform to the next.  Constantino was right. 

Another story that Constantino told the kids and I was about an oxcart. In Costa Rica the oxcart holds sentimental value as that was the mode of transportation of goods in the olden days.  This story tells about a father and his son walking through the forest when they hear a racket. The boy asks what the noise might be and the Father answers that it is an empty oxcart.  How can he know that the cart is empty?  The extreme loudness means that there is nothing in the cart to absorb the rolling of the cart over the bumpy road and isn't that like humans?  Sometimes a person will make a lot of noise to cover emptiness inside. 

Do you believe this guy?  Constantino picked us up at our hotel on the Pacific coast ( another story to come) and drove us to Arenal and then on to San Jose, the capital of Costa Rica. We were together for four days.  In that time together, he pointed out all the wonders of the adundant nature in his country, explaining in loving detail about trees, plants, geography, weather, wildlife and how it all relates to life.  His mantra was always that nature has more lessons for us o  how to live than anything else. Observe nature deeply and learn how to navigate life in general. Our experience of Costa Rica was transformed from a simple visit to one of adventure, exploration, revelation and knowledge.

What else did we see and do in Costa Rica?  Let's see:  a butterfly farm, a ride in a small airplane to the majestic Pacific coast, iguanas, toucans, parrots, gray and white hawks, outrigger canoeing in the bay, howler monkeys, ant hills the size of a small city, sloths, huge sea turtles, a gray humpback whale with her two babies, scuba diving and the sight of a 150 pound grouper, deep sea fishing and the joy of cooking and eating our catch within the hour, flying stingrays, views of the coast from our hotel perched on a cliff hundreds of feet above the sea, birds, birds, birds, a view of one of Costa Rica's eleven active volcanoes early in the morning, zip-lining through the rainforest, walking down to a fabulous waterfall, hiking via hanging bridges, totally wild horseback riding through the mountains of the cloud forest and spotting a coyote asleep in a tree, a tarantula...

And incredible coincidences or twists of fate.  As I was signing into our trip through the canopies, I noticed another guest's signature and the name Leibtag, which was the name of my late Rabbi who was with me from the time I was born until my wedding where he officiated.  As we climbed the mountain in our sky tram car, I introduced myself to the woman next to me and of course, she was the Leibtag whose name I had noticed.  Did she know a Rabbi Abraham Leibtag by any chance? Yes, that was her Uncle!  Then followed a conversation full of beautiful memories of those times.  Amazing, yes?

It doesn't end there.  As the kids ( my son Jake who is 17 nd my daughter Sylvie who is 13) and I were hiking in the forest near Arenal, we turned a bend only to hear someone shout my name!  In  the middle of the depths of the Costa Rican rainforest no less.  It was my friend Sara Jane from New Jersey and her entire family!  Costa Rica and I definateley have something going on and I plan to honor that connection with another visit soon.

More on Costa Rica to come....

I look back on the year 2007 and am once again amazed at the amount of changes and transitions I have experienced.  This year saw the kids and I settle into a new home and town; my divorce was finalized and I began a new phase of life as a single woman (after 20 years of marriage, do I even remember how to be single?); my beloved Father passed away last summer and my practice as a Life Coach made the important and positive turn around the corner.  I thought 2006 was jammed packed with change and yet this year seems even moreso.  That's just the thing about life: It is constantly changing and stops for no one.  Much like the universe and all of its contents, change is the one constant.

I think most of us don't really appreciate that concept....that nothing stays the same and is in a constant state of change.  Our minds, our bodies, our circumstances and the world's circumstances are always in movement.  Just when you think you can catch your breath, something else happens.  The to-do list regenerates itself just when you think you have it under control. As you make the last repair or improvement in your home, something else breaks and needs fixing.
 
What about chaos?  We ask ourselves why things don't just settle down, run smoothly and stay the same for a change?!  Looking back on that last phrase I have to laugh at myself....'stay the same for change?'  Come on.  Get real.  Chaos is also the natural order of things.  If we think we have control over life we are in big trouble.  Life's circumstances will always be beyond our control.  S--t happens.  Once again, what we learn from experience is that the only thing we really have control over is ourselves and how we choose to handle life.

After yet another year of changes in my own life and invaluable experience gleaned from my clients, here are the life lessons I have been privileged to acquire:

-One of the most effective tools for being able to handle life more effectively is the ability to be fully aware of our actions and choices ( we are defined by the choices that we make). In other words, why we do things, especially in the moment they are happening.  To recognize that we are reacting to a stimulus that conjures up a gremlin from the past and continues to run the show is a huge, huge step forward.  Its when our buttons get pushed.

 What I've learned is that if we can slow down when we feel an adrenaline surge of that gremlin and recognize what is happening. We can actually not get sucked into reactive behaviors. If we can intercept the reaction, we will finally be in control of our lives because we are more in control of ourselves and how we handle life.  I read an interview with the actor Harvey Keitel where he said that if everyone practiced meditation, the residual benefit would be more awareness of ourselves in all the moments of our life and therefore more control. 

So , being more aware is something that I will continue to work on in 2008.  Creating more awareness can be achieved via the practice of meditation, chanting, deep breathing, self-hypnosis, exercise and yoga.

- Another thing I've noticed is the sensitivity gremlin.  So many of us send ourselves in downward spirals when we mistakenly think that its all about us.  I've heard it said that people are just not thinking about us as much as we think they are.  We always seem to add meaning to what others say to make ourselves question ourselves and our worth.  If I mention to one of my kids that they are not being conscientious about their homework it becomes an indictment of who and what they are.  Not true of course, they are just not doing the homework.  Get it? 

So, I resolve to watch myself and understand that its mostly just mind chatter on my part that makes me question my self worth.  Its the chatter that need attention and not everybody else.  Oh and by the way, the aforementioned awareness is the way to stop mind chatter...just be aware of it when it is happening.

- Guess what?  The experts are all right when they say that getting enough sleep, eating well and exercise are necessary.  I find that if I am feeling low, unmotivated, tired, surly and out of kilter, I can probably look to all the things I've mentioned and something will be amiss.  It takes more awareness on my part when my body and mind start calling out for help.

So I resolve to be more aware of how I am feeling so that I can get myself back on track ASAP.

- Feeling sorry for ourselves is normal if it isn't a constant state of being.  What I learned this year is the scientific evidence behind the practice of gratitude.  Being a grateful person has been shown to improve your health, your outlook on life, your level of optimism, your ability to empathize with others and therefore the quality of your   relationships, your motivation, your energy...basically your entire life.

So this year I will practice the art of gratitude via daily affirmations, charitable works and journaling.

- While we are practicing things, I am more aware of the gifts of patience.  It just lends life a more calm and serene feel.  It isn't easy but what it does for us is beyond measure.  Realizing that things will come to us in their own good time and that we have no control over time or other people is crucial to living a good life.  The classic example of course is being in a traffic jam.  Getting ruffled, fuming and losing it does not move the traffic.  It does reek havoc on our body and mind. not to mention what it does to anyone in our line of fire!

So I resolved to practice the art of patience  this coming year.

- Tied up in the concept of patience is the subject of expectations.  Oh Lord. have I learned tons about expectations this year. The more I expect things to work out in a certain way the more I open myself to resentment and disappointment.  It is just setting yourself up for misery. 

So I resolve to keep tabs on my expectations of myself, of others and of life in general.

- Have you noticed that in each of my resolutions I simply state that I resolve to try to be more of this or practice the art of that ? I never state I will exercise everyday for one hour...what I do say for example is that I will be more attuned to my body and do the things that are called for for my well-being.  Its all about taking small steps and not setting myself up.  Small steps lead to more empowerment each time I succeed.

-Lastly, 2008 is a very big year for this country. No matter our political persuasion, there is little doubt that our country and the world for that matter,  is at a critical crossroads.  Given war, global warming, poverty, healthcare, the sub-prime mortgage debacle and the economy and the state of our country's reputation and standing in the world, it is imperative for all  of us to be as involved as we can in the political process of the presidential election of 2008.  The changes that we need to make are massive and they will take participation from all of us on some level.

I want to wish everyone a year of positive and lasting changes, of health and happiness and of meaning and fulfillment in life.
Shelley

          I was listening to the MSNBC on the radio the other day when a feature came on entitled, ‘The Good Life’. 
          They proceeded to discuss a $14,000 dessert being offered in Sri Lanka that included, amongst other things,
          an aquamarine.  No kidding.  This is how MSNBC characterizes the good life.  It struck me how in our culture
           we define the good life more in terms of the consumption of material goods than in relationship to any
            other quality.

          Simply listen to the vast majority of contemporary music on the airwaves these days for confirmation.  I
          have  two teenagers in my house so I know all too well:  Cristal champagne, expensive cars, first class jet
          airline seats, bling…the list goes on and on.  This is what our kids are being taught:  the good life is about
          having things, not about who you are as a human being.  Where are these values coming from?  I believe
          it is a trickle down effect from what they see being honored in our society.

          So if the good life is about having things, how is it that so many people who have so many things have lives
          that lack so much satisfaction and meaning?  I am not saying that having money is not a good thing, quite
          the contrary. We all need financial security. We need to know that we can provide for our families and be free
          of the pressure of struggling to make ends meet. We all want to live a comfortable life.  But where is the point
          of no return?

        “Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.”
                                                                Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), (attributed)

         The Worldwide Institute in its 2004 State of the World report explains:

         Societies focused on well being involved more interaction with family, friends, and neighbors, a more direct               experience of nature, and more attention to finding fulfillment and creative expression than in accumulating          goods. They emphasize lifestyles that avoid abusing your own health, other people, or the natural world. In
          short, they yield a deeper sense of satisfaction with life than many people report experiencing today.

         What provides for a satisfying life? In recent years, psychologists studying measures of life satisfaction have                     largely confirmed the old adage that money can’t buy happiness—at least not for people who are already
          affluent.   The disconnection between money and happiness in wealthy countries is perhaps most clearly
         illustrated when growth in income in industrial countries is plotted against levels of happiness. In the United 
        States, for example, the average person’s income more than doubled between 1957 and 2002, yet the share
         of people reporting themselves to be “very happy” over that period remained static.

         So if growth in income has not made people happier than obviously they are not living the good life.  In order
         to clarify what the good life is, I do an exercise with clients that involves seeing themselves at some distant
         point in the future where they are finally who they want to be, they have what they want to have and are
         deeply satisfied and happy.  In other words, they have achieved the ‘Good Life’.

         Nearly one hundred percent of the time, without fail, clients do not have visions of extreme wealth. They really
        don’t talk about wealth at all, at least not in terms of money or possessions. They do not talk about living in a
        house with every known convenience and luxury. They do talk about a home located in a beautiful setting,
        perhaps by the ocean or on a lake in the mountains.  There is always talk about a place that gives them a
          feeling of peace and serenity…a place they were meant to be.  

         They never discuss possessions…ever.  No talk of cars, televisions or fancy clothes. It just never comes up. 
         They may mention that they are free to travel but certainly they do not say first class.  

         They describe themselves as a person who no longer fights feelings of depression, dissatisfaction or dissonance
         in their lives.  They speak of a feeling of acceptance of what is.  There is love in their lives although they don’t
          necessarily mention a specific mate.  Just love.  There is discussion of deep wisdom accumulated over the
          years.  There is also talk of being surrounded by the people who they hold dear.  

         Often, if they have children, they will say that they are happy that they have been able to help their kids but
         more often is the description of children who have grown into responsible, loving and fulfilled human beings.
          They describe with pride children who are contributors to the world. I hear about pets in the house and perhaps
          grandchildren. These are folks who have discovered what truly has meaning for them and what they really value.

         “Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values.”
                                    Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)

          Values.  What are the things to which you attach value? What is important to you?  If you had to create a list              of the top five things that you value, what would they be?  Would it be money, possessions, power, stature
         and authority?  Would it be love, family, integrity, freedom and compassion?  Or a combination?

         “  Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.”
                                          Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

         We have all heard the adage about what the epitaph on our tombstone will say or not say.  Will it say that she
          had a powerful job, she flew first class, that she had a Mercedes-Benz and wore only couture?  More often you
          will read on a tombstone that she was a loving Mother and Wife, a charitable person and an outstanding
         member of the community.  Think about how you would like to be remembered?  What would you like to hear
          people say about you at your funeral or memorial?  Will it be on how much money you made or how much
         you consumed?  Doubtful.

         I remember the funeral of a very dear friend who died suddenly while he was still in his fifties.  The Rabbi said
         that all we have in the end is our good name.  Who we were, how we lived, how we loved, our empathy and
          compassion, service to the world we lived in and the legacy we left to our children and their children.

         My own personal take on the good life, at least for me, involves the following:  I want to be a person who
          possesses a deep appreciation for everything that I have: to be grateful. I want to be able to live without the
          fear of not being able to take care of my kids and myself and yes, I do want to live well.  Living well for me is
         a lovely home in nature; it is being free to travel; it is having the ability to help my kids get a good start in
          their adult lives; it is having enough money to be able to take good care of myself and to also be charitable. 
         I want to have a life that is filled with meaning, with a deep connection to the world around me.

          What is your Good Life?  Take the time now to give thought to the life that you want to live, the life that you               would describe as the Good Life. Make certain that it is aligned with your values and your passions and to so
         you must connect with your values and passions. What are they? Think long and hard about what brings you
          real joy and fulfillment.  Remember those times in your life when you were the happiest…what resonated for
          you in those moments?  Consider how you want to be remembered, how you want to look in your children’s
          eyes.  What traits do you admire in others and how can you adopt some of those traits?  What have been
          peak experiences in your life and what was it about those experiences that made them so special?

         These are the kind of questions that beg our attention.  These are the questions that will ultimately lead us
         to the Good Life.  Not the $14,000 dessert but a life well lived. With meaning, love, comfort, joy and fulfillment.

It had to come sooner or later and of course it was over something that in the long run will mean absolutely nothing. Talk about physician heal thyself!!!!

Its been a challenging few months.  I've been away from home too much but that's the way it worked out.  I took my son on a 10-day college tour and then unexpectedly my dear Father passed away so I have been back and forth to Ohio a great deal.  My new Website was 2 months late and with it all the marketing. I have been at my computer too much attempting to catch up.  I noticed last week that simple home supplies were running low!  One of my three dogs had an operation a few days ago and I am a canine nurse changing dressings.  The usual chaotic scenario that life presents us with all the time.  Only I forgot one of my mantras: That's the nature of life.

So last night around 9pm (after having driven three hours to pick up my daughter from a weekend soiree, cooked a gourmet meal, did laundry and hammered away at my computer) I waltzed into my daughter's room and I, as my Mother would say, threw a conniption! Clothes were everywhere as she had decided to rearrange her drawers.  It looked like a intruder had been rummaging through everything, like a crime scene!   I cannot stand the messes my teenage kid's rooms have become.  It's my weak spot.  I am an organizational freak.  I lost it!

What ensued was me racing around the room, shouting orders, putting things away with Sylvie and of course feeling totally stressed out and ultimately ashamed.   I didn't even sleep well. I arose late and in a nasty mood.  Duh? So I put on my sneakers and hit the road, something I had failed to do yesterday.  While walking at a very brisk pace I chanted a Buddhist mantra. After a very short time, I had calmed down and it all became clear.

First off, I was getting cues all day long that I needed to cool out.  My neck and back were tight, my nerves on edge and I was in not-so-good mood.  My body will always let me know that something needs tending but I was not willing to listen.  I actually said to myself, go for a walk, but of course there was so much that just had to get done, right? It couldn't wait and I ended up paying the price.

Now that I have become conscious again, I see that I have been doing the same thing over and over again in terms of Sylvie's room and have been somehow expecting a different result.  Wrong.  I see that I need to try something different with her. I also see that she desperately needs more storage space in her room as she has morphed from a kid into a teenage girl and with that comes a lot more stuff!  So I am going to get her more built-ins and drawers so she has more places for her things.  I am also going to learn to accept the fact that she is a teenage girl who simply does not care about a messy room. Trying to change a teenager in that regard is nuts.

I also see today that in the long run, the big picture, the issue of a messy room means close to nothing. It is such small stuff it simply doesn't count when I consider who and what my daughter is to me.  I need a little gratitude check on everything she is versus who she is not.  The fact that she is not a fabulous housekeeper at this point in her life is the norm, not the exception. What was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking, that's the problem. I let life get away from me.  I was really unconscious, not mindful at all.  I didn't listen to the cues from my own body.  I resisted my intuition and inner wisdom.  I forgot the basics life skills:  Life is chaotic.  Flow with it. Concentrate on the big picture and as they say, don't sweat the small stuff. Prioritize.  Some things just don't have to get done right now.  Stay conscious: when you are feeling overwhelmed, step back and do something to get rid of the anxiety and  you gain perspective and clarity.  Walk away from a possible confrontation when you feel the sensations that tell you you are in your danger zone.   Remember that this too shall pass. Take care of yourself.  Exercise and mediatate regularly.

Will I be able to accept the messy rooms?  I hope so. I am going to give it my best.  Will I lose it again in the future? Probably.  I don't expect perfection from myself.  I do expect myself to do the very best I can given the resources I have at my disposal and I have plenty of resources to call upon.  I do expect myself to keep learning and growing. And that's that.

Life is in a constant state of change.  I am once again in the throes of a major life transition...the death of a parent.  My darling Dad passed away on August third.  In his memory, I wanted to share the eulogy I delivered at his funeral as well as the speech my son Jake, who is just seventeen, also gave at the ceremony. 

My Father, although a short man in physical stature, was a Giant in my eyes and in the eyes of his family, friends and the business community in Akron.  Our nickname for him was Big Lou and that he was.  He was larger than life.  He was the patriarch of a large, extended family, serving as a surrogate Father when needed and always Uncle Lou, the man we all knew that we could turn to whenever in need of advise, comfort, love and support.  He leaves behind a huge void in the lives of my Mother, the love of his life for over sixty-five years, my brothers and me, as well as all of his grandchildren and his many nieces and nephews.  Who will we go to now that Daddy is gone?

 

Throughout my entire life, I was always Daddy’s little girl, not to mention a chip off the old block.  He was my knight in shining armor, my rock and my wise sage.  He was also my intellectual and political sparing partner.  I am the one who put those gray hairs on his head!  He was everything that a daughter could want in a Father and so much more.  I have always said that I could not imagine my life without my Dad because our lives were so deeply intertwined. Now I am faced with that reality.

 

The thing that stands out so clearly about my Father was his enormous courage and strong will.  Born into poverty to immigrant parents, he managed to live the American dream largely through a will of iron.  As a young man, he learned to box to defend himself from the ever present bullies and eventually became the Golden Gloves Welterweight Champion of Akron.  My brother Joel remembers the day on a jobsite when one of the workers made an anti-Semitic remark and found himself knocked out cold within seconds…by a man half his size.  You simply did not mess with Big Lou.

 He worked his way through college at the Uinvsersity of  Akron at the rubber factories; he served his country honorably and courageously in WWII and received the Purple Heart but was humbly close-mouthed about his experiences in the War.

 

When he returned from Europe, he turned his eyes towards real estate and without any money, he single-handedly built a real estate and development company that has been a fixture in Akron for over 50 years.  He personified the passion and energy that is required to be a success in business and in life in general.  My Father loved working and was at his desk everyday up until the day he died.  He was 87 years old and there was nothing any of us could do to make him retire. Arguing with Dad was always an effort in futility.

 

It is my Father’s place as the header of the Stile clan that stands out so boldly.  Woe to the person who received the dreaded ‘Look’ from Uncle Lou!  Reprimands and advise would follow but in retrospect, all of what he imparted to us was done out of love and concern. Not to mention the fact that much of what he said turned out to be true.  It is that love, devotion and generosity that he showed to everyone in our family that was the mark of his real character.  One could always go to Uncle Lou.  The youngest of the Stile clan of five, it was he that his older siblings turned to in times of need.  The respect and admiration that he generated from his brother, sisters, nieces and nephews is a testament to his enduring character.

 

My brothers and I never for a moment doubted the overwhelming love that out Father had for us. He only wanted for us to be successful, responsible, happy and contributing individuals.  He was never a showy person, quite the opposite. Although he had the means to spend freely, he never did.  His insistence on Tzedukah or charity was the mainstay of his life.  He gave and gave and gave.  My Mother says there were few people to which he ever said no.   He had a deep love for Israel and gave without hesitation.  It is nearly impossible to name the myriad charities to which he supported financially but also worked tirelessly for.  We were taught the importance of charity and service everyday of our lives.  He believed in the concept of Tikun Olam…the Jewish phrase for healing the world.  And heal de did.

 

He was a staunch supporter of the Universityof Akrom, the institution that set him on the road to success. Just a few days ago, pictures were taken of my parents for the dedication of the new Freda and Louis Stile Field House facility on the campus. 

 

He was the first and foremost a Jewish man of great faith. He was dedicated to his synagogue on Revere Road and was an elder of the congregation much like his Father, Velvel.  Much of what you see at the synagogue today has been the handiwork of my Father.

 

My Father suffered terribly over the last ten years of his life from many, many ailments.  He was in constant pain but he never complained. He was incredibly stoic and his usual stubborn self.  He put off using a walker until he had no other choice.  Amazingly, here was a man who could not stand up straight, who could barely walk, who had severe heart disease and had just undergone treatment for skin cancer on his face…and yet he worked out however he could up until the day he died. He sat watching television with Mom while lifting weights!  It was his will to live and be self sufficient that kept him alive years after his doctors told him he did not have long to live.  My Daddy extended his years on this earth because he refused to give into anything.

 

He loved my Mother deeply and she took care of his every need, which were many in the last few years.  To see them together has always been a testament to the endurance and sanctity of marriage.  My Dad’s success can be credited in a large part to the total support and love of his wife Freda.

 

I quote Dylan Thomas, “Do not go gently into the good night.  Old age should burn and rage at the close of day.”  That was my Dad, not only at the end of his life but throughout his entire life.  The day Daddy died was my son Jake’s birthday.  Just an hour before he passed, he called Jake to wish him a happy birthday and to tell him that he wanted to spend more time together.  Thank God that we spent so much wonderful time with him and Mom this summer.

 

In June when I arrived for a visit, I went into his bedroom late a night, sat down on the bed where he lay asleep and stroked his head and kissed his face.  He opened his eyes and looked at me in total astonishment and said, “Are you an angel?”  For days he repeated how he truly felt he had seen an angel by his side.  Please Dear Lord, keep your angels by my Father’s side.

 

Daddy, I love you so dearly.  I look to you, as I have always done, for the strength to live my life without your physical presence.  My grief and pain seem insurmountable today.  I need your courage and willpower…you have never failed me before.  May you see your parents, your brother and sisters…and may you rest in eternal peace.

Jake’s Eulogy for his Zadie (Grandfather in Yiddish)

 

 I can’t truly express how much I loved my Zadie. Rather, I can give you all the reasons why I do:

 

I love my Zadie for the way he smiled, whether in times of joy or sorrow.

 

I love my Zadie for all the lessons he taught me:

 

-How to swing a golf club; how to hit a baseball or throw a football…even how to control my temper when I did all of those things wrong.

 

-He taught me how to run a business; how to handle a wife and children and how to lead an accomplished life…things I had been learning since I was about ten years old.

 

-He taught me what true religion was and why it is so important to grasp the teachings of the Torah through my entire life.

 

-He taught me the necessity of family in one's life and I always looked to him as the foundation and rock of the Stile family.

 

I wear my pants today around my belly button because I know my Zadie would have told me to look professional!

 

I love my Zadie for his humble generosity, his gentle kindness, his overly tight hugs, his scolding of my Mother and his strong determination in whatever he did.

 

August third was my birthday and just two hours before he passed, I talked to my Zadie on the phone. He wished me a happy birthday and never had I heard such joy in his voice.  He ended by saying that he wished for us to spend much more time together soon and I could sense his smile over the phone.

 

We will spend much more time together Zadie for I know that you will always look after me forever. Today you not only rest in peace, but rest with the love and affection of us all.

 

 

 

 

Conscious Living: The Key to Positive and Lasting Change

Conscious: aware of one’s own existence, sensations, thoughts and surroundings; aware of what one is doing.

Unconscious : without awareness or cognition; occurring below the level of conscious thought; not consciously planned, realized or done; the unconscious: the part of the mind containing psychic material that is only rarely accessible awareness but has a pronounced effect upon behavior.

 

When we are living our lives in a state of true awareness wherein we are truly conscious of our actions, we can free ourselves from reactive, self defeating behavior and realize our personal best.  Unfortunately, although we may think that we make conscious decisions, in reality our unconscious mind impacts our behavior.  Our actions are therefore not truly under our control.  We can learn to recognize the unconscious, that part of our mind that has great power over much of our actions without us even being aware of its existence. In doing so, we can diminish its power over us.

 

As an example, try simply noticing that voice inside your head that gets very chatty whenever you are about to make a decision, especially an important one that could result in change.  Is it telling you that you’re nuts to consider what you are thinking of doing? Does it say that you failed once before and will probably do so again?  This chatter is easy to recognize because that voice, or chorus of voices, is activated all day long. Just walking into a room of strangers gets it going!  They don’t like me, I don’t belong here, ya-da, ya-da. We fail to understand that the voice is out to sabotage us. 

 

The voice is not you.   It is a manifestation of your subconscious fears.  Just by noticing it you will realize that this inner saboteur is at work. In the act of noticing you begin to empower yourself to make truly conscious decisions that will result in positive and lasting changes in your life.

 

The voice is the mind chatter that we can recognize. What about all the subconscious stuff that is also at work but much harder to identify?  Quite often, we find ourselves quickly reacting to life’s circumstances instead of taking time to stop, listen and think things through.  For instance, your friend may ask you if you aren’t feeling well because you don’t look so hot.  You might immediately react by snapping back, “What do you mean I don’t look good?”  Your feelings got hurt because you are extremely sensitive to any sort of criticism.  Those feelings of low self-esteem may stem from a parent who was always extremely critical: the why does not matter.  The bottom-line is your friend meant exactly what they said: are you okay?  Nothing more.  You added the rest.  You were unconscious in your reaction.  You allowed your past to repeat itself.

 

When we live on a conscious level, we are as alert to what is happening as a deer in the woods who hears something unknown.  We insure that our actions, our decisions, our communications are not influenced by the myriad filters we apply to life. We don’t look through rose colored or black glasses; we choose to look through crystal clear ones that do not distort reality.

 

 We recognize that the voice in our head is inauthentic and we proceed without its input. Thank it for sharing and move on. We start to see that reacting to life to very different from acting from a place of awareness and consciousness.  We learn to recognize reality for what it is and not for what we think it should be.  We choose to make conscious decisions versus unconscious ones.

 

Life Coaching has a very strong emphasis on the act of conscious living.  We learn how to recognize when we slip into unconsciousness, thereby training ourselves to be more and more conscious of what is really happening.  We free ourselves from, doing the same things over and over again.  We learn from our heightened sense of awareness. We begin to see things differently, in a much more objective and clear way.

 

There are myriad ways that one can begin to practice conscious living.  First and foremost is to notice your mind chatter.  Just notice it.  Secondly, to stop reactive behavior, walk away when you sense that you are not in control.  Recognize your danger zone. When you feel the rush of emotion starting, step back and count to twenty. Don’t give in to the rush. Cool off.  Take a brisk walk.  Look into those activities that clear your mind and create calm.  Some people meditate, some do yoga or chant. Others find that 18 holes on a golf course is a spiritual experience. Whatever works for you. 

 

Always examine your actions and decisions to ensure that they are made without self-defeating habits.  Are you seeing reality as it exists or through some sort of filter?  Drop egocentric behavior that clouds the issue and only serves to reinforce bad behavior and poor decision-making.  Be like the deer in the woods: alert, focused, present and totally aware.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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