It had to come sooner or later and of course it was over something that in the long run will mean absolutely nothing. Talk about physician heal thyself!!!!

Its been a challenging few months.  I've been away from home too much but that's the way it worked out.  I took my son on a 10-day college tour and then unexpectedly my dear Father passed away so I have been back and forth to Ohio a great deal.  My new Website was 2 months late and with it all the marketing. I have been at my computer too much attempting to catch up.  I noticed last week that simple home supplies were running low!  One of my three dogs had an operation a few days ago and I am a canine nurse changing dressings.  The usual chaotic scenario that life presents us with all the time.  Only I forgot one of my mantras: That's the nature of life.

So last night around 9pm (after having driven three hours to pick up my daughter from a weekend soiree, cooked a gourmet meal, did laundry and hammered away at my computer) I waltzed into my daughter's room and I, as my Mother would say, threw a conniption! Clothes were everywhere as she had decided to rearrange her drawers.  It looked like a intruder had been rummaging through everything, like a crime scene!   I cannot stand the messes my teenage kid's rooms have become.  It's my weak spot.  I am an organizational freak.  I lost it!

What ensued was me racing around the room, shouting orders, putting things away with Sylvie and of course feeling totally stressed out and ultimately ashamed.   I didn't even sleep well. I arose late and in a nasty mood.  Duh? So I put on my sneakers and hit the road, something I had failed to do yesterday.  While walking at a very brisk pace I chanted a Buddhist mantra. After a very short time, I had calmed down and it all became clear.

First off, I was getting cues all day long that I needed to cool out.  My neck and back were tight, my nerves on edge and I was in not-so-good mood.  My body will always let me know that something needs tending but I was not willing to listen.  I actually said to myself, go for a walk, but of course there was so much that just had to get done, right? It couldn't wait and I ended up paying the price.

Now that I have become conscious again, I see that I have been doing the same thing over and over again in terms of Sylvie's room and have been somehow expecting a different result.  Wrong.  I see that I need to try something different with her. I also see that she desperately needs more storage space in her room as she has morphed from a kid into a teenage girl and with that comes a lot more stuff!  So I am going to get her more built-ins and drawers so she has more places for her things.  I am also going to learn to accept the fact that she is a teenage girl who simply does not care about a messy room. Trying to change a teenager in that regard is nuts.

I also see today that in the long run, the big picture, the issue of a messy room means close to nothing. It is such small stuff it simply doesn't count when I consider who and what my daughter is to me.  I need a little gratitude check on everything she is versus who she is not.  The fact that she is not a fabulous housekeeper at this point in her life is the norm, not the exception. What was I thinking?

I wasn't thinking, that's the problem. I let life get away from me.  I was really unconscious, not mindful at all.  I didn't listen to the cues from my own body.  I resisted my intuition and inner wisdom.  I forgot the basics life skills:  Life is chaotic.  Flow with it. Concentrate on the big picture and as they say, don't sweat the small stuff. Prioritize.  Some things just don't have to get done right now.  Stay conscious: when you are feeling overwhelmed, step back and do something to get rid of the anxiety and  you gain perspective and clarity.  Walk away from a possible confrontation when you feel the sensations that tell you you are in your danger zone.   Remember that this too shall pass. Take care of yourself.  Exercise and mediatate regularly.

Will I be able to accept the messy rooms?  I hope so. I am going to give it my best.  Will I lose it again in the future? Probably.  I don't expect perfection from myself.  I do expect myself to do the very best I can given the resources I have at my disposal and I have plenty of resources to call upon.  I do expect myself to keep learning and growing. And that's that.