My Father, although a short man in physical stature, was a Giant in my eyes and in the eyes of his family, friends and the business community in Akron.  Our nickname for him was Big Lou and that he was.  He was larger than life.  He was the patriarch of a large, extended family, serving as a surrogate Father when needed and always Uncle Lou, the man we all knew that we could turn to whenever in need of advise, comfort, love and support.  He leaves behind a huge void in the lives of my Mother, the love of his life for over sixty-five years, my brothers and me, as well as all of his grandchildren and his many nieces and nephews.  Who will we go to now that Daddy is gone?

Throughout my entire life, I was always Daddy’s little girl, not to mention a chip off the old block.  He was my knight in shining armor, my rock and my wise sage.  He was also my intellectual and political sparing partner.  I am the one who put those gray hairs on his head!  He was everything that a daughter could want in a Father and so much more.  I have always said that I could not imagine my life without my Dad because our lives were so deeply intertwined. Now I am faced with that reality.

The thing that stands out so clearly about my Father was his enormous courage and strong will.  Born into poverty to immigrant parents, he managed to live the American dream largely through a will of iron.  As a young man, he learned to box to defend himself from the ever present bullies and eventually became the Golden Gloves Welterweight Champion of Akron.  My brother Joel remembers the day on a jobsite when one of the workers made an anti-Semitic remark and found himself knocked out cold within seconds…by a man half his size.  You simply did not mess with Big Lou.

 He worked his way through college at the Uinvsersity of  Akron at the rubber factories; he served his country honorably and courageously in WWII and received the Purple Heart but was humbly close-mouthed about his experiences in the War.

When he returned from Europe, he turned his eyes towards real estate and without any money, he single-handedly built a real estate and development company that has been a fixture in Akron for over 50 years.  He personified the passion and energy that is required to be a success in business and in life in general.  My Father loved working and was at his desk everyday up until the day he died.  He was 87 years old and there was nothing any of us could do to make him retire. Arguing with Dad was always an effort in futility.

It is my Father’s place as the header of the Stile clan that stands out so boldly.  Woe to the person who received the dreaded ‘Look’ from Uncle Lou!  Reprimands and advise would follow but in retrospect, all of what he imparted to us was done out of love and concern. Not to mention the fact that much of what he said turned out to be true.  It is that love, devotion and generosity that he showed to everyone in our family that was the mark of his real character.  One could always go to Uncle Lou.  The youngest of the Stile clan of five, it was he that his older siblings turned to in times of need.  The respect and admiration that he generated from his brother, sisters, nieces and nephews is a testament to his enduring character.

My brothers and I never for a moment doubted the overwhelming love that out Father had for us. He only wanted for us to be successful, responsible, happy and contributing individuals.  He was never a showy person, quite the opposite. Although he had the means to spend freely, he never did.  His insistence on Tzedukah or charity was the mainstay of his life.  He gave and gave and gave.  My Mother says there were few people to which he ever said no.   He had a deep love for Israel and gave without hesitation.  It is nearly impossible to name the myriad charities to which he supported financially but also worked tirelessly for.  We were taught the importance of charity and service everyday of our lives.  He believed in the concept of Tikun Olam…the Jewish phrase for healing the world.  And heal de did.

He was a staunch supporter of the Universityof Akrom, the institution that set him on the road to success. Just a few days ago, pictures were taken of my parents for the dedication of the new Freda and Louis Stile Field House facility on the campus. 

He was the first and foremost a Jewish man of great faith. He was dedicated to his synagogue on Revere Road and was an elder of the congregation much like his Father, Velvel.  Much of what you see at the synagogue today has been the handiwork of my Father.

My Father suffered terribly over the last ten years of his life from many, many ailments.  He was in constant pain but he never complained. He was incredibly stoic and his usual stubborn self.  He put off using a walker until he had no other choice.  Amazingly, here was a man who could not stand up straight, who could barely walk, who had severe heart disease and had just undergone treatment for skin cancer on his face…and yet he worked out however he could up until the day he died. He sat watching television with Mom while lifting weights!  It was his will to live and be self sufficient that kept him alive years after his doctors told him he did not have long to live.  My Daddy extended his years on this earth because he refused to give into anything.

He loved my Mother deeply and she took care of his every need, which were many in the last few years.  To see them together has always been a testament to the endurance and sanctity of marriage.  My Dad’s success can be credited in a large part to the total support and love of his wife Freda.

I quote Dylan Thomas, “Do not go gently into the good night.  Old age should burn and rage at the close of day.”  That was my Dad, not only at the end of his life but throughout his entire life.  The day Daddy died was my son Jake’s birthday.  Just an hour before he passed, he called Jake to wish him a happy birthday and to tell him that he wanted to spend more time together.  Thank God that we spent so much wonderful time with him and Mom this summer.

In June when I arrived for a visit, I went into his bedroom late a night, sat down on the bed where he lay asleep and stroked his head and kissed his face.  He opened his eyes and looked at me in total astonishment and said, “Are you an angel?”  For days he repeated how he truly felt he had seen an angel by his side.  Please Dear Lord, keep your angels by my Father’s side.

Daddy, I love you so dearly.  I look to you, as I have always done, for the strength to live my life without your physical presence.  My grief and pain seem insurmountable today.  I need your courage and willpower…you have never failed me before.  May you see your parents, your brother and sisters…and may you rest in eternal peace.

Jake’s Eulogy for his Zadie (Grandfather in Yiddish)

 I can’t truly express how much I loved my Zadie. Rather, I can give you all the reasons why I do:

I love my Zadie for the way he smiled, whether in times of joy or sorrow.

I love my Zadie for all the lessons he taught me:

-How to swing a golf club; how to hit a baseball or throw a football…even how to control my temper when I did all of those things wrong.

-He taught me how to run a business; how to handle a wife and children and how to lead an accomplished life…things I had been learning since I was about ten years old.

-He taught me what true religion was and why it is so important to grasp the teachings of the Torah through my entire life.

-He taught me the necessity of family in one's life and I always looked to him as the foundation and rock of the Stile family.

I wear my pants today around my belly button because I know my Zadie would have told me to look professional!

I love my Zadie for his humble generosity, his gentle kindness, his overly tight hugs, his scolding of my Mother and his strong determination in whatever he did.

August third was my birthday and just two hours before he passed, I talked to my Zadie on the phone. He wished me a happy birthday and never had I heard such joy in his voice.  He ended by saying that he wished for us to spend much more time together soon and I could sense his smile over the phone.

We will spend much more time together Zadie for I know that you will always look after me forever. Today you not only rest in peace, but rest with the love and affection of us all.

Conscious: aware of one’s own existence, sensations, thoughts and surroundings; aware of what one is doing.

Unconscious : without awareness or cognition; occurring below the level of conscious thought; not consciously planned, realized or done; the unconscious: the part of the mind containing psychic material that is only rarely accessible awareness but has a pronounced effect upon behavior.

When we are living our lives in a state of true awareness wherein we are truly conscious of our actions, we can free ourselves from reactive, self defeating behavior and realize our personal best.  Unfortunately, although we may think that we make conscious decisions, in reality our unconscious mind impacts our behavior.  Our actions are therefore not truly under our control.  We can learn to recognize the unconscious, that part of our mind that has great power over much of our actions without us even being aware of its existence. In doing so, we can diminish its power over us.

As an example, try simply noticing that voice inside your head that gets very chatty whenever you are about to make a decision, especially an important one that could result in change.  Is it telling you that you’re nuts to consider what you are thinking of doing? Does it say that you failed once before and will probably do so again?  This chatter is easy to recognize because that voice, or chorus of voices, is activated all day long. Just walking into a room of strangers gets it going!  They don’t like me, I don’t belong here, ya-da, ya-da. We fail to understand that the voice is out to sabotage us. 

The voice is not you.   It is a manifestation of your subconscious fears.  Just by noticing it you will realize that this inner saboteur is at work. In the act of noticing you begin to empower yourself to make truly conscious decisions that will result in positive and lasting changes in your life.

The voice is the mind chatter that we can recognize. What about all the subconscious stuff that is also at work but much harder to identify?  Quite often, we find ourselves quickly reacting to life’s circumstances instead of taking time to stop, listen and think things through.  For instance, your friend may ask you if you aren’t feeling well because you don’t look so hot.  You might immediately react by snapping back, “What do you mean I don’t look good?”  Your feelings got hurt because you are extremely sensitive to any sort of criticism.  Those feelings of low self-esteem may stem from a parent who was always extremely critical: the why does not matter.  The bottom-line is your friend meant exactly what they said: are you okay?  Nothing more.  You added the rest.  You were unconscious in your reaction.  You allowed your past to repeat itself.

When we live on a conscious level, we are as alert to what is happening as a deer in the woods who hears something unknown.  We insure that our actions, our decisions, our communications are not influenced by the myriad filters we apply to life. We don’t look through rose colored or black glasses; we choose to look through crystal clear ones that do not distort reality.

 We recognize that the voice in our head is inauthentic and we proceed without its input. Thank it for sharing and move on. We start to see that reacting to life to very different from acting from a place of awareness and consciousness.  We learn to recognize reality for what it is and not for what we think it should be.  We choose to make conscious decisions versus unconscious ones.

Life Coaching has a very strong emphasis on the act of conscious living.  We learn how to recognize when we slip into unconsciousness, thereby training ourselves to be more and more conscious of what is really happening.  We free ourselves from, doing the same things over and over again.  We learn from our heightened sense of awareness. We begin to see things differently, in a much more objective and clear way.

There are myriad ways that one can begin to practice conscious living.  First and foremost is to notice your mind chatter.  Just notice it.  Secondly, to stop reactive behavior, walk away when you sense that you are not in control.  Recognize your danger zone. When you feel the rush of emotion starting, step back and count to twenty. Don’t give in to the rush. Cool off.  Take a brisk walk.  Look into those activities that clear your mind and create calm.  Some people meditate, some do yoga or chant. Others find that 18 holes on a golf course is a spiritual experience. Whatever works for you. 

Always examine your actions and decisions to ensure that they are made without self-defeating habits.  Are you seeing reality as it exists or through some sort of filter?  Drop egocentric behavior that clouds the issue and only serves to reinforce bad behavior and poor decision-making.  Be like the deer in the woods: alert, focused, present and totally aware.

 We can, but there’s a process.  First, take a few steps back and consider what we truly want for our kids.  For example, when I asked a client of mine recently to think carefully of the three things she wished for her children, who range from 16 to 9 years of age, she responded “I want them to be loving, compassionate and responsible adults.” There was no mention of rich, famous or powerful.  This mother really got to the root of what she knew to be the crucial characteristics necessary for her children to live happy and fulfilling lives.

 Once we have this kind of clarity about the things we really want for our kids, we can then move forward towards instilling those traits in them.  But first we must be completely clear. Here what to do:

 1. Make a list of what you want for your kids. Be sure your list is unselfishly motivated!  Financial security, love, happiness…even for them to be blessed with kids just like them! That’s what my Mother wished for me and it came true.

 Once you have come up with a list of perhaps ten items, start from the top and compare the first two items.  Which is most important?  Take that choice and compare it to the next item on the list. Again, which is most important?  Continue doing this until you have gone through your list and the item that remains is your number one choice.

 Repeat the process for your number two, three, four and five choices.  This is a list of the five most important things that you want for your kids.  Having prioritized, now you can do your best to assist in creating  a wonderful future for your kids.

2. Important rule:  You are not making decisions about your children’s personal future.  That’s their responsibility and their right to determine.  However, as a parent, you are certainly able to influence their future.

 3. As an example, let’s say that Financial Security is on your list.  Do you know what it takes to create financial security?  Think of people who have managed to achieve financial security on their own.  What traits do they share?  Perhaps you determine that responsibility is one of those traits.

 How do you create responsibility?  What do you know to be true about responsible adults?  My own personal opinion is that these adults were taught early on about responsibility through actual experience.  For instance, most of them probably had specific chores they did at home.  Several probably worked in the summers. Many of them may have learned early on to take responsibility for their own lives and not place blame on others nor make excuses. At an appropriate age, the majority were undoubtedly taught to make decisions on their own and suffer the consequences. They learned not by being told what to do but in the actual doing.

 Responsibility, coupled with other strong traits you might identify, will assist your kids in taking charge of their lives.

 Be forewarned: It is so much easier to just let them do what they want versus being a watchdog.  Teaching a child responsibility, or anything else for that matter, takes patience, determination and commitment.

 4. Be a role model.  Our kids model themselves after their childhood experiences and especially as they saw their parents.  As much as we said we would never be like our own parents, how many of us can see our parents in ourselves?  If you want your son or daughter to be responsible, be responsible.  By being a true and consistent role model, you can have the most profound influence on your children.

 5. Who is this child?  I love the story a friend told me recently.  Her son in New York City had a visitor, a young woman in her third year of college.  After spending a week together, the student admitted that her major, biology, was not what she wanted to pursue but rather what her Mother suggested. She wanted to be a fashion stylist! How could her Mother have missed that?

 Do you know what excites your kid?  What moves them?  What they love to do?  Who they really are at their core?  Honoring them for who and what they truly are is the greatest gift you can give your son or daughter. Take the time to connect with them and really listen.  Listen on a level where you really are hearing them.

 6. Praise the positive and attempt to minimize the negative.  Of course you establish consequences for unacceptable behavior. But positive reinforcement is a much more powerful tool.  It’s Pavlovian conditioning and it works.

 7. I love this quote:  “Expectations are predetermined resentments.”  Don’t set yourself up for disappointment.  If you are looking for fulfillment, look to yourself, not to your children. Don’t attempt to live vicariously through them. It will only end in unhappiness for everyone involved.  

 8. Try to remember what really ticked you off about your own parents when you were their age.  Not that it was valid.  Remember we were just kids and reacted in a childish manner much of the time. But it will help to empathize with how your own children are feeling, to understand their frustrations and to be able to communicate in a more effectual way.

 Almost all of us find our way in life but it is so much easier if we have the necessary tools. You know now what you wish your parents had said or done back when.  Break the chain! You are the most important person in your child’s life; you can provide those tools. That is how we ensure that their future is bright. 

It may to difficult to accept but the ingredients for a happy and fulfilling relationship with your significant other or spouse rests on the foundation of acceptance. Acceptance of the reasons you fell in love in the first place.  Acceptance of who that person is at their core.  Acceptance of all the little things they do.

1. Acceptance does not imply giving up.  It is not a negative term.  It is acknowledging reality. Acceptance means that we come to understand and accept our mate and our life for what it is.  There is no judgment involved.  It means that we accept things as they are, not as we think they should be.

2. Understand fully the difference between what is and what you think should be.  You know, wishful thinking. An abusive spouse is what is; your belief that he or she is going to change any minute is what you think reality should look like.  Big difference

3. Acceptance does not suggest that if your lover is abusive to you that you simply accept it and do nothing?  No. You do accept it as a fact but then you are free to make a decision as to what you will do next. There are plenty of options but all of them are based on acceptance of what is.  You can choose to take a different approach to the problem and see if that works.  You can choose to leave the abusive situation. The choice is yours.

4. Here is the core truth behind acceptance.  You have heard it before:  “Oh Lord, give me the courage to change the things I can, the strength to accept what I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”  What exactly do you have control over in life?  Think hard about this one.  You basically have control over one thing in your life:  You.  Period and end of discussion.

Look to your past and do a reality check.  I know for myself that I spent about 40 years thinking that I could change my Father.  I would somehow, through countless hours of discussions and arguments, show him the error of his ways and make him into the ideal Father that I wanted.  Guess what?  I am fifty-five years old and my Dad is still my Dad.  The more I resisted who he was, the more he dug his heels in. 

My Dad is at his core a wonderful, compassionate and giving person. He becomes that person when I exhibit those same qualities. Bingo!  So it is my behavior towards my Father that empowers me to transform our relationship. I change my approach via the road of acceptance. Does it always work?  No.  Mostly? Yes. Which brings us to our next point…

5. We don’t impress people by describing in words how we have transformed ourselves.  We transform ourselves and the people around us by being what we believe in.  We lead by example.  If you are looking to stop anger in your house, don’t get angry.  Walk away from anger.  Allow it to diffuse and then have a discussion about the effects of anger on the household.  If you scream back in response to an angry person, you only add fuel to the fire.

6. Acceptance and transformational behavior are habits that we can master.  Initially it will not be easy but that is always the case when we take on something truly meaningful. We need to unlearn old habits or ways of being and initiate new ones.  Make a list of how you would want to be treated in very specific ways.  For instance, “I want to be treated with respect”.  Then your new habit is to treat everyone around you with respect.  It is through repetition that we master new ways of being. New habits, if practiced, can take hold in three months. 

After three months, see what is appearing in your life.  I believe that you will see amazing results.  The least thing you will have accomplished is a new you.  Chances are extremely good that your mate will have experienced your new way of being and will change too.  They will change because they want to, not because you want them to.  That is true and lasting change.  A change that results in a transformed relationship.

I'm 55 years old.  Really.  It seems like yesterday I was bopping down the streets of Manhattan  Not to mention the fact that now that I'm in my 50's, what do I want to do with the rest of my life, what's left of it that is! with my buddies and today I'm in bed by 10 pm. And whose body is this?

 I think that as a Baby Boomer, especially one who reveled in the excitement and rebellion of the late 60's and 70's, this major life transition is even more wrenching... especially when my mind and body seem to exist on two separate planes!  I still love the latest rock and roll music.  I am a campus activist at heart.  I love going out with friends in the City and staying out late but it gets harder and harder to get up the next day. 

 Aside from the physical aspects of aging, the over-riding transition I am experiencing right now is the realization that time is finite. Of all the things I still long to do, I'll need to do them soon or give them up.  The future doesn't stretch out infinitely like it used to.  Given the fact that I have lived for over half a century, a stretch of another 20 years doesn't seem like a great deal of time anymore. 

 In our twenties and thirties, even our forties for that matter, we did things mainly out of necessity. We got jobs so we could pay the rent or mortgage and then to support a family.  Our careers may not have been everything that we had dreamed of or even expected but they paid the bills, no small feat.  Some of us were lucky enough to have work that we loved, which really is a blessing.  But we certainly put many of our dreams or yearnings on a back-burner.

 So now, for many of us, as our children have grown and will soon head off into lives of their own, we start to really consider what our future looks like in our second half of life.  We may be living a single life, because of divorce, death or simply the fact that that's the way we like it. We look at this second half of life with a very different perspective than we did the first half.  We find ourselves asking questions that we hadn't given much weight to before. 

 Questions like:  If I only have another 20 or 30 years left, what do I want to do with them?  Do I want to do something meaningful with my work versus just earning a living?  What legacy will I leave behind for friends and family?  Legacy?  The truth is staring us in the eyes.  Death is not something just relegated to our grandparents anymore. For many of us, we are the grandparents!

 What about my passions and the things that I really love?  When am I going to see Europe, something I always told myself I would do? How about the fact that I was such a great artist in high school?   I always wanted to take singing lessons. Is it too late?  Actually, is it too late to recreate myself, to do all the things I want to do, to be all the things I want to be?

The fact is - it is too late when we say it's too late. But guess what?  It's never too late. As a matter of fact, much of what we want to do now is what we couldn't have done back then.  And guess what else? Some of the best known people in the world didn't see success or find themselves until after their fortieth birthday. Who?  Well, Paul Gauguin, the artist, worked in a bank and was 43 when he finally moved to Tahiti to become a full-time artist.  Raymond Chandler, the highly successful writer, didn't get published until he was 45!   Julia Child didn't learn to cook until she was 37.  Who else?   Ed Sullivan, President Harry Truman, Coco Chanel, Paul Cezanne and Buckminster Fuller to name but a few.  So go for it! If these guys can be successful late in life, we certainly can muster up the courage and energy to do the things we've always dreamed of doing.

 We aren't 20 years old anymore which by the way is a relief!  For me, the years have provided so much deep wisdom.  I know now what I didn't know then and it serves me well.  Tapping into the well of wisdom and acknowledging it within us is an affirming and empowering exercise.  It gives us the self-esteem and confidence to move forward into this second half of life.

 So, here's the deal. It is time for us to start a deep inquiry on exactly what we want out of life from here on out.  Now. Think about it.  If we live until the ripe old age of 80, we're already well into our second half.  So how do we determine what it is we want out of the future?

 Number One: Re-connect or connect with what matters to you most in life.  What are the things that you value the most?  What can't you live without?  What do you love to do? What's missing?  What are your passions? What makes you come alive?  What motivates you? 

 Make a list of all these items and then reduce that list to create your top five.  That doesn't mean that the others are not in the plan, far from it.  Just concentrate right now on the things that mean the absolute most to you.  Does your present life reflect your values and your passions?  

 If you are to live the rest of your life in a meaningful and rewarding way, you must honor those passions and values on a daily basis. For example, if your work is drudgery, look at making a change now. If your primary and important relationships are not what you want them to be, start looking at ways it improve them so they are nurturing and meaningful. You deserve it.   

 Number Two: Envision yourself in ten years as the person who has actually made all the changes needed to be happy and fulfilled.  What did that future self do in order to get where they are?  Ask them. Then take that advice and begin today to start down  the road to that future. Start by ensuring that today you will embody that future self.  Be that Future Self now. Being is accomplished by doing. 

Two:  Clarify your Vision of your Future Self and establish the goals that will lead you to that self.  If you want to be retired in 5 years, what do you need to do differently now to accomplish that goal?  What three things could you immediately do to get started ? Who do you need to talk to clarify your goal?  What support do you need? 

 With all that we have experienced, with all that we know, the second half of our lives can truly be glorious.  We Baby Boomers have always been in the forefront of doing what is best for ourselves while contributing to the world around us.  What was best for us and the world is undoubtedly different from what it was 20 or 30 years ago.  You need to re-examine those priorities now.

 We are different people than we once were.  Acknowledging who we are now and who we want to become puts us on the road to positive changes and a future filled with great possibilities.  Don't even think about resigning yourself to a life that doesn't work for you.  The key is to ensure that we are living our lives in the realm of what is possible, not impossible. Know that what is possible is fully in your control. Just don't wait.