Coaching for Change

Divorce as a Means to Losing Old Emotional Baggage

Shelley Stile — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 01:40:00 GMT

Why did I marry my Father? Why do I over-react when my spouse does certain things? Why do I make the same mistakes over and over again? Try this explanation out...

What if we married the person, possibly on a sub-conscious level, who would lead us to clean up all the adverse emotional baggage we have been carrying around all of our lives? What if it takes this divorce to allow us to finally heal ourselves? What if this divorce is the means to letting go of the psycho-babble that has kept us from being the person we were meant to be?

Let's say that you married someone who resembles your Father or Mother on an emotional and psychological basis. All the old stuff you went through in your childhood gets repeated and reactivated. Say your Dad was overly negative. Now you are extremely sensitive to anything that smacks of criticism and of course your ex was critical of you. Even when they weren't being overtly critical, your buttons got pushed anyway. Here's what might be happening: As kids, we make our parent's behavior mean something negative about us. If your Dad was negative, it wasn't about him simply being a negative person. It was about you not being good enough. There's the emotional baggage: not being good enough. So we marry someone who will reinforce that belief of not being good enough. When we don't feel good enough, we over react emotionally and we do it over and over again.

That emotional baggage should have been attended to long ago but most of us aren't even aware of it. Our divorce can reveal the stuff we've been carrying around for far too long and we now can clean it up once and for all. Divorce can and should move us to heal all the old emotional baggage that has stopped us from being the person we were meant to be. Could it be that we chose our spouse in order to finally do that healing? Could it be that once we have taken the time and made the effort to heal we will finally live a happy life.

Could be.

Tiger Woods: Its About Him

Shelley Stile — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 16:42:00 GMT

As a Divorce Recovery Coach, all too often I hear tales of infidelity. More often than not, the spouse who has been betrayed makes it mean all sorts of terrible things about themselves. Their partner cheats and it becomes all about what is wrong with the betrayed partner: I obviously was not good enough, I am not lovable, he/she doesn't really love me, I'm unworthy, I'm not attractive enough, I'm stupid...on and on and on. The fact is someone cheated and the betrayed makes up all kinds of meanings about that fact.

No one knows what goes on inside someone else's home. But what comes up for me in this instance of the Tiger woods episode is Elin Woods. On the surface here is a gorgeous, young woman who is the Mother of his children. He obviously wasn't looking for a younger, prettier model as Elin is just that. Tiger's words alone offer a glimpse into the crux of the matter: I have transgressed. It would appear that Tiger has some big-time issues on sexual activity and loyalty. He has to examine himself deeply and come to understand himself better.

As I said, we don't know what goes on in their relationship. A relationship is two peopole and both have to claim responsibility for their part. But I hope that Elin is not beating herself up too much by creating all sorts of meanings about herself because her husband cheated. His cheating is his issue. Their relationship is their issue.

I have clients whose mates have cheated on them and they end up feeling like a failure, a reject, ugly, stupid...you name it. In so many of these cases, if you peal back the layers of the onions, the cheating is less about the betrayed than the betrayer and the relationship. Tiger's cheating does not mean that Elin is a reject or a failure. It means that Tiger cheated. Sometimes a table is table and nothing more. Why he cheated is another issue and one that the two of them need to work out obviously.

I say this in the hopes that if you too have experienced a philandering spouse, watch that you don't make it mean too much about yourself. Separate out the facts from the meanings you create about the facts. How you feel today, when the pain is fresh, is not how you will feel in the future.

Surviving Loss

Shelley Stile — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 16:07:00 GMT

Watching the memorial service for 9/11 this morning, I listened to a young choir sing Mariah Carey's song, Hero. The line that resonated for me was, " You will come to learn the truth that the hero lies in you."

To have survived the loss of a loved one who was snatched from them so suddenly and violently is hard for me to wrap my mind around. Yet, the mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands and children of the dead did just that. So many of them used the tragedy of 9/11 to advocate for justice for their loved ones as well as laws and initiatives to protect us in the future. They turned their individual stories of tragedy into ones of redemption. They replaced their status as victims to that of heroes.

Consider the number of widows and widowers who had to find a way to survive, let go of the past and move on with their lives. So many of these men and women had children to raise and they had to find a way to move forward no matter their pain. Somehow they had to access the inner strength and resolve to continue. They did.

I rememeber a powerful concept to which I was introduced to when I was doing additional training in divorce coaching. Turn your divorce story around. Initially, our divorce story is painful, not to mention depressing. It is filled with loss, pain, resentment, regret and blame. In the telling of it, we fall into sadness and all too often, anger. Many of us are victims. We go through a grieving period and if we put forth the effort, we can begin to see that our divorce story needs to be changed. We need to go from being the victim of our story to the hero/heroine of that story.

How? After time, we will begin to see the gifts, life lessons and deep wisdom that our divorce has handed us. We use these lessons and wisdom to transform ourselves, to let go of old emotional baggage, to grow and evolve as a human being and thereby to craft new lives that offer us happiness, meaning and fulfillment. We learn to use our divorce as a catalyst for something better for ourselves.

We take a look at that old divorce story and rewrite it. Instead of being a victim, we are the hero that survived, overcame challenges, let go of old demons, perhaps found a new career or job, managed to raise children in a safe and secure environment, learned to let go of bitterness, regained hope and optimism for life....on and on and on. We transform that divorce story from one of victim-hood to one of heroism.

So how can you begin to rewrite your own divorce story?

Letting go again and again and again....

Shelley Stile — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 18:01:00 GMT

I know from personal experience that one doesn't just let go of the past one day and everything is hunky-dory forever. Ah were it so! Divorce Recovery like any other discipline is an on-going process. Even the best of us have a blip on the screen of life every now and then. That nasty little gremlin, our mind chatter, rears its ugly head from time to time and needs taming.

The all-important thing is being aware of that mind chatter when it first starts so that we don't allow it to take over. So as much as I know on a very deep level that the only person that I can control or change in this life is myself, every once in a while I fall back into being disappointed or resentful over something my ex says or does. We have kids so we are tied together for the rest of our lives.

The good thing is that I have become much more conscious of my backsliding and can more often than not catch myself...albeit not always. Always is a long, long time and a very high expectation that in my book is unrealistic and unenforceable. I take it a day at a time. Every backslide is yet another lesson for me in which to access the wisdom I have and then apply it towards my future.

So all of this has led me to create a free tele-seminar on Acceptance which is the cornerstone of divorce recovery, letting go and moving on after your divorce. I invite you to join me on Wednesday, September 16th at 9pm est for look at the most important step one can take in our quest to take back our lives after divorce...acceptance.

Go to:

http://www.changecoachshelley.com/life_coaching_resources/teleclasses.html

Accepting Loss

Shelley Stile — Sun, 17 May 2009 16:39:00 GMT

I saw a play last week in NYC entitled, Next to Normal. The story is about a woman who is bi-polar. Her disease was set off by the death of her 8 month old son. She was unable to accept his passing to the point that he actually was alive for her. She saw and communicated with an 18 year old son who was not there. She created her own reality that was a fantasy. Ultimately it drove her mad.

Her psychiatrist made a comment that resonated for me: If we cannot accept a loss, then we will live in the fear of that loss with dire consequences. In the play, those consequences are of course taken to the extreme of severe mental illness and attempted suicide, but the point was clear: non-acceptance of a loss and the new reality that comes about as a result of that loss will cripple you and leave you unable to live your life.

It resonated for me because I see it everyday with people who can't accept the cold, hard fact that their marriage has ended and their reality has shifted. They my be in denial or they simply cannot bring themselves to admit that their life has dramatically changed forever. In the initial grieving period that follows a loss in life, this is a perfectly normal reaction. The grieving period us marked by denial, depression, confusion and anger. The problem arises when the grieving period does not end.

People who continue to resist reality, who cannot accept their new reality and can't surrender to what is (versus what they think should be) remove themselves from life n all that life has to offer. Not only that, they carry the heavy burden of all the negative emotions that accompany the grieving period which leaves them unable to experience happiness or fulfillment.

That is the crux of divorce recovery: the acceptance of a new reality. That is what letting go means. One door closes but another one can open if you allow it. There are new possibilities available but only if you can accept the ending of what your life was. For life to go on, to be able to experience all of the opportunities that a new life has to offer, you must be in full acceptance of your new life. You cannot have a beginning without an ending.

A Perfect Moment

Shelley Stile — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:47:00 GMT

I attend a good deal of live theater in New York City. I believe in taking advantage of this incredible City that is at my fingertips and the theater in NYC is one of passions. As in life, some plays are phenomenal and some not so great. A few nights ago I saw a not so great play entitled Happiness BUT it did give me something to think about and a tool to utilize on those days that I am feeling not so great.

The Perfect Moment. The concept presented in the play was this: 10 or so people are trapped in a subway car, all of them suddenly made aware of the fact that they have died. The conductor informs them that they must come up with a Perfect Moment from their lives and if they do so, eternity can be spent in that perfect moment. Oh if that were actually true!

So slowly but surely, each of them arrives at their perfect moment. For an older woman, it is a moment from the 1940's when she was dancing with a soldier at a USO dance and he asked her to be his girl. For a doorman, it was when his Dad took him to the 1954 playoff game where he saw Willie Mays make a ground-shaking catch. For a young Hispanic bicycle delivery man it was when he dressed up as the tooth fairy and gave his daughter her 50 cents. For a young woman who spent her life in Manhattan selling perfume at Bloomingdales and living in a make believe world of the rich, it was a night on the beach in Brooklyn with her sweetheart. And so on.

I give my clients undergoing divorce a 'time-out' exercise that allows them to bypass a negative emotional reaction. They sit quietly and spend a minute or so taking deep, cleansing breaths to slow down their heart rate and thus calm themselves. In the past, I have asked them to then visualize a time when they were joyful or at peace. Now I plan on using the Perfect Moment.

Here a few of my Perfect Moments:

- playing in the woods with my gang of neighborhood friends when I was a kid
- Sitting at a dinner table with my dearest friends for my 50th birthday
- Lying in bed with my teenage daughter and just talking about her life
- Falling asleep with my children when they were young, cuddled up to me in my bed
- Awakening from a deep sleep and seeing my two year old son, standing with his blanky, staring intno my eyes.
- Hiking in the rain-forest
- Sitting on my Dad's lap
- Immediately after my wedding ceremony when my ex and I sat alone together for a half an hour to ponder the wonder of being married..
- Lying with a sleeping infant on my chest.
- Talking on the phone late at night with my first boyfriend

There are so many of those perfect moments in our lives but we forget about them all too soon. Its the muck of life that seems to be on our minds most of the time. We have to remember to remember the perfect moments in our lives, especially when life is not treating us so good. These are gifts we can give ourselves to bring a smile to our face and realize that life is indeed good.

A Real Example of Acceptance of Life

Shelley Stile — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:22:00 GMT

In divorce recovery as well as any other major loss in life, acceptance is the most important step we must take. By acceptance I mean the acceptance of your reality as it exists for you right now: what is and not what we think should or could be. Acceptance means being grounded in reality with the release of blame, resentment and regret. The ability to let go of those negative emotions is true acceptance and gives you the freedom to move forward.

A couple of recent occurences in my life have reinforced this concept. I recently received an e-mail from a cousin of mine who has been terribly sick with cancer this past year. Really sick, near death far too many times. She had a bone marrow transplant. This is a woman who also experienced divorce when her two kids were young and has aised her chlldren on her own.

For those of you having trouble accepting your reality, I want to share this with you:

"Hi Shelley-
How are you doing? How are the kids?
I am recovering - still. Unfortunately, I have Graft vs. Host disease. The disease basically means that the transplant is not working right now. The host (me) and the donor (graft) immune systems are battling and hopefully my donor's immune system will win. I am also suffering from severe osteoporosis. I have been left with a deformed spine, 7 fractured vertebrae which has led to quite a bit of nausea. Because my torso is now deformed to accommodate my new structure, I have trouble processing and digesting food. Let's see, I have lost a lot of my sense and smell, I have an inoperable hernia. It is inoperable because there is a high risk for infection, so no surgery is allowed. I wear a spine brace and I am in a lot of pain. My physical demeanor is that of an elderly person. (Note: she is only in her early 50's)

BUT on the flip side I am above ground and I do appreciate life. I have a big support system. I have good medical care and my friends and family are the best. I just want to get on with my life and stop being a patient.

My girls have been awesome through my whole ordeal, their compassionate character makes me proud. My best friend and caregiver is without a doubt, an angel sent from heaven. We live together and he is my shadow. He has been caring for me physically and emotionally and I am very grateful. Of course, without my mother's help, I wouldn't be here. So, there are many things to be grateful for, it is just hard to be me right now."

It is simply mind-boggling to me that she can be talking about gratitude given her life situation!! She could be stuck in anger, depression or victmhood but I heard nothing of that in her e-mail. Her life has taken a terrible turn and she has accepted her fate. Of course, she has depession...who wouldnt given the cicumstances. Yet I hear someone who has acknowledged her reality and who wants to live the rest of her days with love, compassion and gratitude for what she does have... or in her own words, " I am above the ground."

Next up, Melissa Stockwell. I saw an interview on television with this Iraqi vet who lost a leg in the war. She has gone on to compete in the para-olympics in Bejing where she set a recod in swimming. Despite the challenges of adjusting to life with one leg, she has taken on one physical challenge after another, proving again and again that she can still be a formidable athlete.

And she does not waste time with regrets or dwelling on the past.She was very clear in the interview I saw that there was no way she would waste a moment in blame or resetnment or a yearning for what was. She let it go.

"When I signed up, I knew I was taking a chance," she said. "I'm proud of how I lost my leg. I was proud to wear the uniform. I still am. I've done more with one leg than I ever did with two," she said. "I have bigger dreams than I ever would have had with two legs. I don't know if things are meant to happen, but I'm very happy."

These two women humble me. They make me think about all that I have to be grateful for and how my attitude will dicate the quality of my life.

Change You Can Believe In

Shelley Stile — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 21:16:00 GMT

President-Elect Obama’s theme of change strikes a common chord. The world and everything in it, whether animate or inanimate, is in a constant state of change. This is an unarguable fact, the truth. Physics confirms this. Just take a look at the world around you and you will see that everything changes and nothing remains static. The one thing that you can always count on is change. So why are we so afraid of change? Why is it so unsettling?

I believe that it has to do with the unknown and our uncertainty with the unknown. We want and need to be in control, to know what is going to happen. The paradox in this need is that one can never know what the future holds, not a minute from now or a year from now. We cannot control the outer world. Things happen, they always have and they always will. Just when we think we have it down, something else pops up to challenge us. It is how we handle what life throws at us that is important. It is our inner world that we can control which will ultimately elicit the change we want in our outer world.

You want to adjust your perspective on change from one of fear to one of a belief that everything will work out in your best interest. You need to learn the difference between what you can control and what you cannot and thereby let go of the things that you cannot control and concentrate on those you can. You do have full control over how you choose to handle the changes that life brings you. More important, you have full control in being the change that you desire.

What do you want to change in your life this year? Do you want to be healthier? Then put all your full attention on that intention. There is a saying that when you are fully committed to something, the universe will align itself to give you what you want. I don’t know for a fact whether that is true or not but to live as if it is true would be a welcome change, an empowering perspective. The belief that you can become healthier can only move you in that direction but it must coupled with you taking full responsibility for being healthy. Responsibility for our intentions is empowerment.

Creating positive change in your life begins with your belief and commitment to what you desire. What you desire must be of great value to you. Focusing your attention on that change and weaving it into the fabric of every day is the key to success. Doing whatever needs to b done is mandatory. If you need help then get it. Trust me, you don’t have to go it alone. A prima ballerina will have spent years of practice with instruction and coaching to reach her goal. So too a star athlete. Access all the tools and skills you can to move you forwards.

A final thought for you to ponder: What would you regret never having done in your life? Don’t find yourself heading into the great unknown and wishing you had done this or that. Now is the time to initiate the changes that you want.

I wish you the change that you want in your life this year. I know that you can access your inner wisdom and strength in order to achieve what it is you want. I wish you health, happiness and joy in this one precious life of yours.

Make 2009 Your Year for Change

Shelley Stile — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 21:10:00 GMT

I believe that New Year’s resolutions are unique and meaningful opportunities to commit to positive change in our lives. For those of you who are undergoing a divorce or are recently divorced, a deep commitment to create change that will move you forward into a new life is hopefully very compelling. What better time to promise yourself that you will do all you can to let go of the pain of the past and move into a future filled with possibility than a new year?

Resolutions must be extremely compelling to us personally in order for us to keep them. They must resonate on a deep level. They need to be truly important with a clear connection to our values and passions. That is why so many people fail in their resolutions…they just aren’t important enough to them.

What could be more compelling to a woman who is newly divorced than to resolve to heal herself and build a new life based on what she wants now? In order to determine what she wants, she needs to know herself, the self that is emerging from the end of her marriage, a phoenix rising from the ashes. The past is gone with no hold on your future self except the hold that you choose to erect. It really comes down to choice. You are blessed with free will, the will to choose how you want to live your life.

I took a wonderful yoga class this week that reminded me of how impactful the practice of mindfulness can be on our well-being. The instructor gave us many affirmations to recite, each corresponding to a different chakra. One of them really stood out for me because it seemed to apply to my clients in divorce recovery. It states: The process of purification dissolves who I am not and reveals who I am. If we substitute the word purification for self-discovery or divorce recovery, it clarifies exactly what divorce recovery is all about: finding out who we are now and creating a life that is based on that person.

We dissolve the mind chatter that attempts to sabotage our self-esteem and confidence, the mind chatter of our wounded ego and the pain that wants nothing more than to keep us stuck where we are after our divorce. We reveal the person behind that mind chatter, the person who we have always been meant to be. We dissolve or let go of what holds us back and venture into a new life filled with possibilities for our future.

Use your divorce and the New Year as opportunities to heal, let go, claim your power and a life that will fill you with joy, meaning and fulfillment. Resolve to move beyond your perspective of pain and doubt and to remove anything that is standing in the way of your happiness. Resolve to do the work of divorce recovery.

Life Lessons from the Economic Meltdown

Shelley Stile — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:09:00 GMT

All around us we see the repercussions of the financial disaster. People have lost the bulk of their life savings that had been invested in the stock market. Unemployment is rising everyday and all around us people are losing their jobs. Credit is unavailable. Home values have plummeted and many of us have mortgages that exceed the value of our homes. The holidays are approaching and we simply cannot spend what we do not have. This is a scenario that our parents or grandparents lived through in the 30’s, that they repeatedly warned us about and one we never in a million years imagined could touch our own lives. But it has.

We rail against Wall Street and the government. Blame is raging. How could this have happened in our day and age? Well it did happen, it is what it is and now we must accept what is and take the necessary steps to move forward. More important, what lessons and deep wisdom can we extract from our present reality that will help us to grow and evolve as human beings? What do we need to learn so that we do not allow this to happen again? What are the gifts of this experience?

Here are some insights that I have personally gathered:

1.   The signs were there all along. We simply chose not to see them or we chose denial. We may not have been able to imagine just how bad things have become but we certainly saw the warning signs. From insanely inflated real estate prices to an overblown stock market to over-spending on our own parts, the signs were there.
2.   We gave up responsibility for our own lives. I can see how I personally absolved myself of personal responsibility in my own investments by leaving it all to the so-called experts. Ultimately, we and we alone are responsible for our lives.
3.   We get to choose what is really important in life. We need to determine what our core values are and live them everyday. So the kids don’t get as many presents this year. It is time tor return to the values that hold real meaning in our lives: responsibility, acceptance, giving back, common sense, frugality…you know what I mean!
4.   We need to become more creative. Insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results! The government is going to need to do things very differently now because what they had been doing didn’t work. Same for Wall Street, same for us individually.
5.   Greed is destructive. Unbridled greed on everyone’s part is an element of what got us here. Back to the basics of right and wrong.
6.   We went unconscious. What were we thinking? How could we have not seen what was happening? We went unconscious.   We need to remain aware at all times of what is going on around us. Only when we are aware, can we make real choices on how to best handle life.
7.   It is a time to pull together. We are all in this together. Collective responsibility will be the road to positive change. Obama talks about change we can believe in…be that change.
8.   Wall Street’s use of leverage brought down the markets…so too did our own personal use of leverage. We need to return to the theory of the gold standard where a dollar has the backing of a certain amount of gold. We spend what we have and do not leverage ourselves to the hilt.
9.   We need to learn to accept what is and then move forward. What is is the mess we find ourselves in. Until we let go of should be’s and could be’s we will not be able to create the changes we so desperately need.
10.   We need an attitude adjustment, a new perspective. Perhaps if we can look at this as the crisis we needed to make the changes that we have needed for so very long, then we can move forward with a positive and empowering perspective that this is all for the good.
11.   We need to let go of what we cannot control: most everything in the external world. We need to determine what we can control in life: ourselves and how we choose to handle what life throws our way.

Your thoughts?

The Lessons from Barack Obama

Shelley Stile — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 17:47:00 GMT

I returned home today from the great state of Pennsylvania where I was privileged to spend four days with the incredible army of volunteers working to elect Barack Obama as our next President. Over 57,000 out-of-state volunteers showed up in Pennsylvania to walk the streets, work the telephones and man the polling stations. It was truly amazing! What I have taken away from this experience once again reinforces my deep and abiding belief that our life experiences have gifts for us that can, if we are willing to identify and absorb them, transform our lives forever. It was not only the four days in Allentown but the entire two years of Barack's campaign that has proven to be such a powerful impact on our country and the world at large.

First off I learned the lesson of non-reactive behavior, of taking the high road. So often when we feel we are being attacked or when our feelings get hurt, we immediatly react and do and say things that we ultimately regret. How many times was Barack Obama viciously attacked during this campaign? His resolve to stay the course of taking the high road, to be patient and to control his emotions is a lesson for all of us. We have the choice to react without thinking or to take the high road. If Obama can do it under such heavy barrage, we certainly can learn to stop, think and choose how we will handle a situation.

Obama trusted his gut instincts. He refused to change course, even when his staff and fellow Democrats asked him to hit back harder against the Republican swift boat tactics. His ability to trust himself and not succumb to outside pressure is why he is now the President-Elect of the United States

Obama recognized the power of one. I saw it in the streets of Allenown. So often, we assume that one person cannot make a difference but the Obama campaign proved that assumption dead wrong. This campaign brought millions of people together, people from every walk of life. The ground game was a one-on-one strategy: the power of millions of 'ones' coming together to create a tidal wave of power. Never ever think that your efforts don't matter or that you cannot effect change.

Yes we can is a mantra for all of us. Who could imagine that a state politician who only four years ago was an unknown entity could now be headed for the White House? To believe that you could defeat a politican as powerful and savvy as Hilary Clinton? The sheer power of his will and the will of the people behind him has proven to me once and for all that one's perspective and attitude can alter reality.

Putting out an extraordinary yielded an extraordiinary result. His entire life story was about effort resulting in amazing results. A multi-racial child, raised without the presnce of his Mother and Father, attends Harvard, becomes the first African-American to head the Harvard Law Review, heads to Illinois and becomes a State senator and then the state's representative to the United States Senate. The hard work and enormous effort he put out resulted in what you see today.

In his life, Obama' refused to take on the victim mentality and I believe that is why he was able to stand before the country not as a black man but as a man. Not a red state or blue state but a nation. His ability to forge the coalitions that propelled him into the Presidency was his insistence that we are far more alike than we are different. We are all human beings with the same yearnings and concerns. If that message were translated on a global level, imagine the repercussions? Israelis and Arabs, Sunnis and Shites, the tribes of Africa. To quote John lennon: Imagine all the people living in peace.

There is the powerful matter of hope versus fear. There were and are people out there who remained fearful of change and of someone different from them or their neighbors. The negative ads were based upon the knowledge that fear is a great motivator. Yet hope won out over fear. I was poll watching in Pennsylvania and I saw the hope in the faces of people from every walk of life as they headed into the voting booths. If we let fear run us, it is virtually impossible to move forward in life. Fear paralyzes us but hope inspires us to believe that life will work out in our best interests.

These are the gifts I recieved from the Obama campaign. I have great hope and faith that our country will trurn around. The impressive, positive reaction around the world with his win has already improved our standing in the world. It will not be easy, especially given our current situations and the problems that we face. Nonetheless, if Barack Obama remains rooted in his inner wisdom and instincts, as we all should, then all will be well.

An Opportunity

Shelley Stile — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 20:54:00 GMT

I was watching a really silly movie, Evan the Almighty with Steve Carrell, with my teenage daughter the other night and got a little insight into life. You just never know where you'll get a sage piece of advise these days! Listen, it was either Evan or SuperBad so I think I was lucky.

In the movie, God asks Evan to build an ark. His wife is losing it because she understandably thinks he has wigged out! God, in the form of a waiter at the restaurant where she is eating with her sons, reminds her that she prayed for a closer family. He suggests to her that perhaps when we pray to God, we don't necessarily get the exact thing we asked for but instead we receive the opportunity to cultivate on our own ( a much more powerful option than just being handed something) what we asked for.

Example: The wife prayed for a close knit family. Her husband had been building the ark with their sons but she up and left figuring he was wacko. Perhaps the opportunity to build a close family was in the building of the ark together...the opportunity presented itself for just what she wanted.

So I'm thinking that isn't that what life does all the time? It hands us 'stuff' to deal with. We can look at that 'stuff' as either an opportunity or an obstacle. We get divorced and we pray that we have the strength to withstand the heartache and to move forward in life. Our divorce gives us the opportunity to develop the strength we will need to create a new life...it demands that of us. We might never have been able to develop a strong will and character had we not been faced with a circumstance that challenged us to create strength in our life. Right?

Its a great concept. Life happens. Chaos often reigns down upon us. Things don't always go according to plans. Obstacles and challenges present themselves to us during the course of our lifetime again and again. It is how you choose to see these occurences that makes the world of difference. You can view them as opportunities to to handle so that you grow and evolve or you can see them as some sort of cosmic punishment.

It is the same with praying to a higher power. Perhaps God dies indeed give us what we need to become who we are meant to be.

The Financial Crisis: Uncertainty

Shelley Stile — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 14:56:00 GMT

We have all been shaken by the turmoil rocking the financial world. It is scary. We simply don't know what will happen next. The future is uncertain. But I submit to you that there are some very important life lessons to be gained from this catastrophe that can be used in all areas of our lives.

First off, let's address worrying about the future or the real issue of the unknown. The stock market has always been a perfect example about attempting to predict the future. What we have on Wall Street is a bunch of guys attempting to make money based upon what they think will happen in the future. A better word for predict might be guess, although I would grant them the term, educated guess. There is no way to predict the future...not an hour from now let alone next month or next year. It is not so much the future that worries us but rather the unknown. We live with the unknown everyday. It is a condition of life. We can only know the present moment. Therefore, worrying or being frightened of the future makes little sense since we have no idea, nor any control over what might occur. What if everything turns out just fine? Now it becomes a matter of perspective: how we choose to look at life. Are we looking for everything that might go wrong or everything that might go right?

Second lesson: take responsibility. The blame game is being played full out right now. Blaming someone else for how we feel or what has happened makes us powerless as we are transferring our personal responsibility for our lives to the person or institution we blame. Blaming someone else means we cannot make changes or improve the situation. Look back and claim responsibility. For example, I invested in the market knowing full well that it was a risk and that there was rampant greed on the Street. I could have assessed the risks in a more productive fashion. I could have taken the time to track the stocks myself instead of leaving it to my broker. I could have see the writing on the wall. Now is the time to ensure that we do not repeat these mistakes, that we will learn the lessons and take full responsibility for our lives.

How about understanding the basic nature of life and that is: s--t happens. To have an expectation that everything will go according to your plan is close to insane. The universe does not work that way. Expectations that things will go our way are premeditated dissapomintments and resentments. That's life and we need to accept that fact.

Clean up you mess. The government needs to clean up their mess, Wall Street need to do the same and so do we. That done, we all need to ensure that we make conscious choices about how we want to invest our money in the future.

How about the issue of control? Exactly where do we have control and where do we not? We cannot control the outer world. We cannot control what others choose to do. Learning the difference between where we have control and where we don't will lead to a much more centered and content existence. Trying to control life is like swimming against the current...you get nowhere except highly frustrated, tired, angry and resentful. We can only control ourselves and how we choose to handle what life throws out way.

There are undoubtedly many more lessons to be gleaned from the crisis on Wall Street and I challenge you to find them so that you not onnly don't repeat them but so that you evolve into a wiser human being.

Do you really remember what it was like to be in a bad marriage?

Shelley Stile — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 18:21:00 GMT

It is so easy to have selective recall when it comes to our marriages after our divorces. We are lonely, our married friends seem to disappear and we seem adrift in a foreign land. We start to think that perhaps our marriage wasn't so bad after all. We think perhaps it was better being married than being alone.

It's almost akin to a person losing their mate to death. The mate wasn't exactly the greatest guy on earth, indeed on many fronts he was downright lousy and much of their life together, the wife was miserable. Nonetheless, her memory becomes highly selective and she talks about much she misses him and all the wonderful things about him. She fails to remember what their life together was really like.

Guess what? There are lots of women out there in marriages that are are lonely and unhappy. They live with someone and that's about it. They co-habitat. They have the burden of living nearly separate lives under the same roof. Add to that the constant stress and tension of their not-so-great marriage and you will find someone who may have resembled you back then.

Think long and hard about how your marriage really was, the truth. All too often, not only do we have selective recall of the good times, we also come to rationalize our marriage via our personal interpretations. We forget or we are in denial about how bad things really were. We minimize the fights, the stress, the pressure, the lack of communication, the loss of self-esteem, the tears and the loneliness. Our fear of the present seems to cause our brain to re-wire itself.

I know that it is hard, I've been there and I still go there. I think in many cases that it is just the being married part that we miss, not our ex. We miss our Saturday nights with friends, the shared carpooling and chores, the extended families and the holidays as a family. But if we are really honest with ourselves, we don't miss our ex per se. I know this isn't true for everyone but it is true for many of us.

It is really important to be totally honest with ourselves and ensure that our memories reveal all the facts. We need to guard ourselves into deluding ourselves, of remembering something that just wasn't true. Life is hard for everyone and life is great for everyone. Being married does not necessarily spell happiness. We know that better than anyone.

Lessons in Alaska

Shelley Stile — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 03:13:00 GMT

Wherever you go there you are...right? I have to share some of the lessons I received on my recent trip to Alaska with my 88 year old Mom:

First off, we went to Alaska because Mom had always wanted to go there but my Dad was just too much of a workaholic. They never made it there because my Father passed away last August. So when Mom called to ask if I would accompany her on a cruise, I said yes. I must state for the record that I have never been one to cruise because the thought of being on a ship with 1000 other people has never even piqued my interest...quite the contrary! When I travel I create my own agenda and go with family or close friends. I usually opt for adventure, exploration and simply veg out. I know what I like and I custom design my trips along those lines.

The first four days we do a land tour which basically involves having your luggage outside your door at 7 am and spending the day either on a bus or train. No free or down time whatsoever. Add to that waiting in lobbies or train stations...in weather that was constantly rainy and cold. Ugh!

I'm a big one on acceptance of what is. I lecture and coach on it all the time. Accept what is versus what you think should be. Choose to make the best of it versus bitching and moaning. So what do I do? Bitch and moan and complain non-stop. I heard myself and couldn't believe it!

Then it's on to the cruise. A ship of 1000 people from very different backgrounds and locales. Glitzy shows, ala Las Vegas at night. Far too many people in one location. Buffets with lots of excessive eating. More schlepping on and off the ship. Tons of us tourists. Mind you, these are the same turkeys I used to make fun of when I sat on an island and watched them unload from the cruise ship... only now I'm one of them. Karma!

And I can't seem to let go of the resistance which of course only makes me more miserable. I proved all my theories correct. Resist and it persists. Resist and lose the opportunity for something new to appear. Accept and let things go and enjoy the ride. Physician, heal thyself! Mind you, I won't go on a cruise again but nonetheless I learned my own lessons on an experiential level.

Another interesting occurence came about on the Sunday of the anniversary of my Dads death. Needless to say, my Mom was feeling low and she started to talk about how lonely she was and how hard it is adjusting to this new life. What struck me was how the period following a divorce is almost identical to the period following a death in terms of what you experience. We both talked about how we spent many evenings at home alone. Old friends not inviting you to go out anymore because you are not an couple anymore. Sons and or brothers not really checking in to see how you are doing. Adjusting to an entirely new way of living. Feeling alone and plain out of it. Of course, there are differences but the similarities are striking. Divorce is like a death...the death of a way of life.

And now for some levity: I led a workshop tonight on divorce recovery. Afterwards one of the attendees asked me to talk and we spent about 30 minutes in the parking lot. She spoke of her divorce and it's difficulties as well as the challenges she was now facing. She asked me where my son was going to school and said she had someone she wanted to fix me up with and coincidentally his son was also going to Indiana U. Really I said, what was his name? It was my ex!!!!!! Turns out she was the best friend of my former sister-in-law. Go figure! The first time someone actually offers to fix me up and it's with my ex-husband! I called him immediately and we both got a good yuck out of it.

And so it goes...

Divorce Recovery: Taking care of Yourself

Shelley Stile — Thu, 29 May 2008 16:26:00 GMT

I just got back from a walk. It is one of those picture, perfect days in the Northeast when Spring is still in the air...the temperature is in the lo 70's, there is a cool breeze blowing, the sky is a brilliant blue and all is well in the world! I operate so much better when I walk: not only is the exercise great for my on a physical level but the immersion in nature has a profound effect on my state of mind. When I get back to the house, I notice that I handle the remainder of the day much better.

Handling a divorce and moving forward to create a new life takes real effort, the ability to go deep, taking personal responsibility, doing hard work and juggling life. That takes energy, a center from which to operate and a strong sense of self to name just a few of the items that will allow us to be our best selves. If we are tired, tense, stressed out or nutritionally deficient , do you suppose we can actually do the work of divorce recovery let alone handle all that life hands us? Not.

We must take care of ourselves to ensure that we can operate at a level equal to the task. Just handling life alone requires diligence to our state of being let alone the work of divorce recovery. What do we need?

- Sleep. A good night's sleep which means 7-8 hours.

-Exercise. Exercise not only keeps us physically fit and prevents certain diseases, it also works to clear our minds and boost our level of satisfaction.

-Proper nutrition. What we eat has a huge impact on how we feel...not only physically but emotionally as well. Nourish your body, don't punish it. if you are punishing it, take a good look at why you are looking for comfort in food.

- Down-time. Try meditating or doing yoga everyday even if it is just for 10 minutes. It clears the mind, increases awareness and crates a sense of calm and peace.

-Have fun. Do things that make you feel alive and bring a smile to your face. Take time for yourself to enjoy life.

-Pamper yourself . Get a massage or take a long, deep bath. Whatever makes you feel special. Because you are.

- Surround yourself with family and friend that honor and challenge you. Get rid of the pessimism from your life.

How's that for a start? Where do you show-up on the list? Are you taking care of yourself, honoring and respecting yourself?

Upcoming Divorce Support Teleclass

Shelley Stile — Fri, 23 May 2008 23:58:00 GMT

Coming this Fall: Heal Your Pain, Let Go of the Past and Move Forward into your New Life!
Divorce Recovery Teleclass:

Join us for this powerful Telclass that will allow you to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward into your best possible life! Learn the techniques that will give you the ability to heal your heart, let go of your toxic emotions and fears and create a life that offers you unlimited possibilities.

Starting on Thursday, September 18th and running for 8 consecutive weeks (October 9th is a pass week) from 7:00pm to 9:00pm, this Teleclass will change your life.

Find out more...

Springtime: Cleaning out the CLosets

Shelley Stile — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:48:00 GMT

Ah Springtime! What a great time of the year, especially for those of us who have emerged from a long, cold winter. Time to open up the windows and let the breezes blow through our homes. Time to plant the seeds and flowers that will ultimately go into full bloom. Time to clean out the closets, throw out the old and bring in the new.

Spring is a metaphor for divorce recovery. The initial stages of separation and divorce are a long, cold winter filled with the grieving stages of a death of a way of life. We are angry, sad, depressed. We are confused, scared and lonely. We wonder how we are going to survive this upheaval. It is a stark landscape that looks like the darkest, cold, barren winter day.

But that is what winter is supposed to be. It is what it is and it is a normal cycle of the seasons. All of the emotional trauma that you may be experiencing associated with your divorce are normal, albeit painful. You are where you are supposed to be. The key is to honor your feelings and process through them.

Then Spring arrives and the need to clean out the closets arises. Which closets? The closet of the mind, where endless chatter about what this divorce means about you is on constant tape loop. The thoughts of being alone, unlovable, broken, rejected, afraid and the self-loathing, criticisms, judgments and loss of self esteem have got to go. These thoughts and feelings are what are holding you back from moving on in life. They are your stumbling blocks and until they go, you stay mired in your misery. You get to choose to clean the closets or not? Not a hard choice.

Take a good look at what the facts are about your marriage and attempt to separate the facts from the meanings you attach to those facts. Facts are simply things that happened that are unarguably true: My husband left, fact. My marriage is over, fact. My husband had an affair, fact. But you may say that your husband left you and that means you are a failure. You may say that your marriage is over and you will probably be alone the rest of your life. You may say that your husband had an affair and that means that you are undesirable. Get it? These are all meanings and not hard and true facts. You create one meaning but your ex can create an entirely different one. Which is true? Neither!

When you begin to see how the interpretations of the facts or the meanings you attach to the facts are the core beliefs that are running you, you begin to see that in accepting just the facts and releasing all the meanings, you feel much more grounded in reality and alive. You see that you in accepting where you are now in life is just the beginning of a new chapter for you. You see the unlimited possibilities in your life again. You see that meanings are not who you are or who your ex is or what happened. Meanings are things we created for a myriad of reasons. They are as fleeting as your feelings and emotions which are constantly changing. You wouldn't live your life according to the roller coaster of your emotions and you cannot live your life according to the meanings you have attached to events or facts.

As I gaze outside today, the sky is a brilliant blue and a cool breeze blows. the earth has erupted with flowers, blossoms, leaves and plants. It is a time of rebirth and renewal. Use this season to clean out the closets of your mind and replace them with new and empowering thoughts about the new life that awaits you.

Divoce Recovery: Connect with Your Strength

Shelley Stile — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:55:00 GMT

I have recently focused my Life Coaching practice on Divorce Recovery for Women. This is an area that I know very well as I was divorced last year after a three year separation. It is always easier to look at divorce in hindsight when the pain and fear of the initial stages of divorce have passed. The lessons learned by using your divorce as a catalyst for change can create new possibilities for creating a new life but first you must get through it.

I can tell you that your fear can sabotage your ability to both handle your divorce and heal yourself. When we listen to that voice in our head that says," How can I go on? How will I manage? Will this ever end? I am afraid of the future? I am afraid that I will lose my children" you begin to believe it and it runs your life. Fear is a natural response to the grief associated with divorce but we must learn to not succumb to it.

Look at yourself. What do you know to be true about yourself in terms of your strength, your resources and all the positive traits that you have exhibited in your life? Look back at your life and recount all the things that you have accomplished, the things that you overcome and the things that people admire about you. What are all the things that you have done right in your life? Have you weathered other storms in your life and come out okay? What have you accomplished in your life?

The mind chatter that accompanies your divorce is just that: mind chatter. It is not you. It is fear and doubt that spring up whenever we are challenged by life's circumstances. a divorce is a major loss, a death of a way of life. As such, it involves highly specific stages of grieving that include, denial, pain, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Know that you will go through these stages and knowing that you will come out at the other end in a state of acceptance with a renewed sense of self and life. It is part of recovering from a divorce. Don't beat yourself up when you are experiencing these feelings.

But don't let fear make you into someone you are not. Acknowledge that you are afraid but know that an emotion like fear is just that: an emotion. It is not who you are at your core. Fear can used to your benefit. Recognizing fear as a clue that you are facing a new landscape can prepare you fort the work that needs to be done. Fear and doubt arise when we encounter an unfamiliar and completely new landscape. They clue us into the fact that we find the unfamiliar scary. Remember other times in your life when you were initially afraid of the unknown?

Acknowledge your fear as a sign that you are going to be changing. Call upon all of your strengths and talents that you have always demonstrated in your life. Remind yourself of your power and your greatness. Connect with the person that has triumphed over adversity in the past. Remember who you are at your core. You will get through this just as yu have gotten through other bad times.

Life Lessons from Costa Rica: The Power of Nature

Shelley Stile — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 16:29:00 GMT

The kids and I are being driven towards the Arenal Volcano in Costa Rica by our guide, Constantino, who is a cherubic, sweet-natured native of Greek ancestry. Of the many wonders we have experienced in this magnificent country, Constantino just might be my favorite. His deep respect and love of nature comes across in his every word and glance. During the four days that we will spend together, he is continually pointing out and teaching us about the abundant nature and its wonders in his country.

This morning, as we drive towards the Volcano, we are on our way to do a canopy tour of the rainforest via zip lines that place us over 600 feet above the ground! Constantino softly implores us to "see the forest from an entirely different perspective", that of the monkeys and other creatures who live in the canopy above the dense forest. He explains to us that being on top of the rainforest is entirely different from walking through it and there are many lessons to be gleaned from the experience.

His comments strike me profoundly as in my work as a Life Coach, we are always looking at our perspectives on life and how they can radically alter our life experience. Changing the way we look at things offers not only a different viewpoint but a powerful tool for creating change in our lives. So I look at the rainforest from the monkey's perspective. The view from the top offers me not only grand vistas of the dense trees protecting the ecosystem below, but also opens me up to new and different species of life that do not exist on the forest's floor. It is truly a very different world from up here.

I can look at the howler monkeys at the same eye level versus craning my neck to see them... as well as the the multitude of birds that reside here. Like the monkeys and birds, I experience the thrill of flying through the canopy on the zip lines that take me from one platform to the next. Constantino was right.

Another story that Constantino told the kids and I was about an oxcart. In Costa Rica the oxcart holds sentimental value as that was the mode of transportation of goods in the olden days. This story tells about a father and his son walking through the forest when they hear a racket. The boy asks what the noise might be and the Father answers that it is an empty oxcart. How can he know that the cart is empty? The extreme loudness means that there is nothing in the cart to absorb the rolling of the cart over the bumpy road and isn't that like humans? Sometimes a person will make a lot of noise to cover emptiness inside.

Do you believe this guy? Constantino picked us up at our hotel on the Pacific coast ( another story to come) and drove us to Arenal and then on to San Jose, the capital of Costa Rica. We were together for four days. In that time together, he pointed out all the wonders of the adundant nature in his country, explaining in loving detail about trees, plants, geography, weather, wildlife and how it all relates to life. His mantra was always that nature has more lessons for us o how to live than anything else. Observe nature deeply and learn how to navigate life in general. Our experience of Costa Rica was transformed from a simple visit to one of adventure, exploration, revelation and knowledge.

What else did we see and do in Costa Rica? Let's see: a butterfly farm, a ride in a small airplane to the majestic Pacific coast, iguanas, toucans, parrots, gray and white hawks, outrigger canoeing in the bay, howler monkeys, ant hills the size of a small city, sloths, huge sea turtles, a gray humpback whale with her two babies, scuba diving and the sight of a 150 pound grouper, deep sea fishing and the joy of cooking and eating our catch within the hour, flying stingrays, views of the coast from our hotel perched on a cliff hundreds of feet above the sea, birds, birds, birds, a view of one of Costa Rica's eleven active volcanoes early in the morning, zip-lining through the rainforest, walking down to a fabulous waterfall, hiking via hanging bridges, totally wild horseback riding through the mountains of the cloud forest and spotting a coyote asleep in a tree, a tarantula...

And incredible coincidences or twists of fate. As I was signing into our trip through the canopies, I noticed another guest's signature and the name Leibtag, which was the name of my late Rabbi who was with me from the time I was born until my wedding where he officiated. As we climbed the mountain in our sky tram car, I introduced myself to the woman next to me and of course, she was the Leibtag whose name I had noticed. Did she know a Rabbi Abraham Leibtag by any chance? Yes, that was her Uncle! Then followed a conversation full of beautiful memories of those times. Amazing, yes?

It doesn't end there. As the kids ( my son Jake who is 17 nd my daughter Sylvie who is 13) and I were hiking in the forest near Arenal, we turned a bend only to hear someone shout my name! In the middle of the depths of the Costa Rican rainforest no less. It was my friend Sara Jane from New Jersey and her entire family! Costa Rica and I definateley have something going on and I plan to honor that connection with another visit soon.

More on Costa Rica to come....